My Valentine - Fanning the Inner Flame
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lovely people in my life!
Since my precious spouse, Rachel (they/them), passed away in 2021, I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on what made our relationship so special. Partly in appreciation, partly in grief over what I’ve lost, and partly in preparation for finding another person who suits me just as well.
Surprises
Amazingly, my soul fell in love with this beautiful human the moment we met. From that first encounter, without even realizing it, I wanted to be wherever Rachel was—something my friends teased me about. Dating wasn’t even on my mind; I just knew this person fascinated me and made me nervous. In an attempt to hide my discomfort, I acted bossy and overconfident whenever we were together—something Rachel later told me they found amusing.
The Making of a Great Team
At the time, I had a long list of ‘requirements’ for the perfect partner. They needed to be funny, sexy, well-dressed, honest, have a fulfilling career, and enjoy film, music, dancing, and eating out. Although Rachel checked all those boxes, what truly made us a great couple were our shared values and outlook on life. We both prioritized integrity, kindness, personal growth, and making the most of life. We connected over our love of helping others, our appreciation of exceptional design, and our shared desire to be of service.
Rachel often said, “We’re a great team,” and they were right. We managed our home well, enjoyed traveling together, and excelled at making big decisions as a unit. This strength came from our deep friendship—wanting the best for each other and being able to confide in one another about anything.
Smoothing Out the Rough Parts
But it wasn’t always effortless. In the first few months of dating, we were more like feral cats trying to figure out how to coexist. We loved being around each other but weren’t sure if this would turn into something long-term. We initially agreed to have a summer fling, but after that, we decided to take it “one day at a time.” For nearly two decades, each anniversary card read, “Will you spend one more day with me?”
Guidance from my parents—who are celebrating their 50th anniversary this year—and my incredible therapist made all the difference in keeping us together. Maintaining a sense of humor and learning how to “fight well” were invaluable skills I’m grateful to have learned. I was taught how to express my point of view without humiliating or shaming the other person—trust breakers that are hard to come back from. Setting healthy boundaries for myself and for the relationship also nurtured our bond.
Of course, time plays a role. Strong relationships are built through small, repeated interactions that foster warmth and trust. There’s no rushing the process. It took years to see how Rachel handled life’s challenges, how they treated themselves and others—things that truly determine compatibility.
Over the years, Rachel and I discovered and shared countless interests, which enriched our adventures and eased our challenges. No matter what we took on—moving, intense education programs, new jobs—we had each other’s backs.
Nurturing the Inner Spark
We saw in each other qualities we admired and supported. We propelled each other toward the versions of ourselves we aspired to be. I think of it as a spark that, when nurtured, grows into a bright flame over time. We each kept our inner inspiration strong and loved the type of work the other did.
Watching Rachel’s approach to design—whether traditional or digital—was pure magic. They poured their soul into their work, caring deeply about people and fostering a diverse, inclusive team. They strived for excellence in user experience and believed that technology should help people, not frustrate them.
Rachel used to call me their ‘mad professor,’ always experimenting with the ‘lotions and potions’ I discovered during my naturopathic medical training. They deeply appreciated my love of medicine and my approach to living a healthy life. Rachel could see I also poured my soul into my practice.
It’s often said that being loved is a blessing, but in my experience, the greatest gift is finding someone to love. As a queer person who didn’t come out until my mid-20s, I felt unlucky in love. I never expected to meet my spouse, much less experience such an extraordinary relationship. It changed me at a deep level, making me a better person. Unconditional love does that.
The Chemistry of Love
Being in love profoundly impacted my mental and physical well-being. Oxytocin—often called the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone”—plays a vital role in emotional balance, stress relief, and even physical health. It’s produced in the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland into the bloodstream and nervous system.
It’s secreted during moments of connection—hugs, cuddling, sex, childbirth, breastfeeding, and even deep conversations. Acts of kindness, meaningful social interactions, and feeling part of a supportive community also trigger its release, making oxytocin a powerful force for well-being.
5 Powerful Benefits of Oxytocin & How to Boost It Naturally
Deepens Connection & Trust – Released during physical touch and heartfelt conversations, oxytocin strengthens relationships and fosters security.
Reduces Stress & Anxiety – It lowers cortisol (the stress hormone), promoting relaxation and emotional balance. Touch, laughter, and social bonding naturally boost it.
Supports Emotional Resilience – Helps regulate emotions, making it easier to navigate life’s challenges with grace and compassion.
Promotes Healing & Pain Relief – With anti-inflammatory properties, it reduces pain perception. Activities like massage and meditation can help increase oxytocin levels.
Enhances Sexual & Reproductive Health – Released during orgasm, childbirth, and breastfeeding, oxytocin plays a key role in intimacy, bonding, and reproductive functions.
How to Naturally Boost Oxytocin:
Spend quality time with loved ones 💜
Give or receive a hug 🤗
Pet an animal 🐶🐱
Engage in acts of kindness ❤️
Practice deep breathing & mindfulness 🌿
Accepting That Life and Love Are Unpredictable
I remind myself that life has its surprises. No matter how hard I try, I can’t predict where I’ll meet the next special person. But I hold onto hope, even as I struggle with the fear of not finding love again.
True Love Always Wants What’s Best for You
In Rachel’s final month, as it became clear that time was running out, they looked at me and said, “I know you’ll have another great love, and I’ll be rooting for you every step of the way.” Hard to believe, since even on our 19th anniversary, we were still arguing about who was crazier about the other.
Valentine’s Day will always be bittersweet. As psychotherapist and grief advocate Megan Devine says, "grief doesn’t go away—it’s something we carry".
Today, I’m having brunch with a dear friend at a restaurant Rachel and I had hoped to try. Later, I have a Galentine’s date with another fabulous friend, where we’ll enjoy a delicious meal and carry on the tradition Rachel and I had of watching the Oscar-nominated animated shorts. Rachel will be with me in spirit, and my friend will understand if I shed a few tears. But grief no longer prevents me from being present with the wonderful people in my life. I can take in their love, laugh, and dance with them, creating new memories.
And though we can’t be in the same room anymore, I know that wherever Rachel is in the universe, they’re still nurturing the spark in my soul.
Wishing you a beautiful day celebrating the great loves in your life. ❤️
A Little About Me
I have 10+ years of clinical experience in naturopathic medicine. Since they are closely related, much of my work focuses on the intersection between hormonal, gut, and brain, health and the effect stress can have on these systems. I frequently help folks impacted by perimenopause, menopause, irritable bowel syndrome, food intolerances, IBS, IBD, and brain fog. My work is also a great compliment for those working with a mental health professional to recover form anxiety and depression.
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A quick disclaimer — this information comes from my personal experience and should not be taken as medical advice. Please speak to your doctor before making any changes regarding your health.